A very interesting conversation took place recently with a friend who’s single and is having some troubles finding the “right” one. Whether male or female, friends or clients, I find myself delving into the same topic at least once a day.
The common ground here is: to fall in love, have a great relationship, and eventually start a family.
But how do you get there? When the goal is so clear the rest should be easy right? Hmmmm! For some, nope!
Yelling out positive incantations and affirmations on a daily basis is one way of doing things but if you haven’t cleared your fears squeaky clean and out of the way, all the positive thinking in the world may not solve this problem for you.
When the pain and heartache of past relationships leave a bad taste in your mouth, no matter how many sweet chants you belt out, the fear of going through the same aches control your actions and thoughts. Keep in mind as well that getting over the “other” person from the past does not mean you have let down your guards for the next one. Much work is needed to make sure “the house” is clean to invite in the new and if you’ve only been dusting so far, then let’s roll up those sleeves and get to work.
The conversation I had with my friend boiled down to honesty. I’m taking about the bare truth type of honesty: the kind that you look in the mirror, and besides your beautiful features, you get to know the zits, wrinkles, white hair, love handles, etc. way better instead of ignoring them. You get the picture, right? Yes, I’m talking about being super honest with YOU.
He likes this girl a lot… A LOT. “Like” might be too light of a word actually. He keeps finding any reason to hang out with her, talk to her, be around her by stepping outside and over his own values in hopes that she will one day wake up and say I’m going to fall in love with “so and so”, have a relationship and get married to him! Ok that might happen in some situations but in this case, after a YEAR passing by, the miracle has not popped up. Hoping alone here is not the solution. Although in combination with sticking to your values and being honest, hope can help solve the mystery.
“I read and watch people’s behavior for a living, for God’s sake! Come on! At least be honest with me and be honest with yourself for once” I said, staring straight into his eyes when he just finished telling me that he’s ok with them being just friends for now, trying to avoid looking at me. 🙁 “You’re in love with her. Say it. Say it out loud. That’s the first step: being honest with yourself and acknowledge what you really want. You have to stop giving her what you think she wants to not scare her away. She is NOT yours right now anyways”.
I know I’m a tad harsh sometimes but I do have calming coaching medicinal words that follow some of my tough methods. Honesty will lead to honesty.
And I continued: “You know what you want. It’s not friendship with this one. The only way you can get it is by being honest with yourself. Acknowledge and respect what stage of life you are in and what you want in a partner you deserve. Then you speak up and say it to the other person. You fear losing her now but you’re not even with her the way you wish you could be and that’s scarier. You have nothing to lose. Speak up and stand up. You will either be with her or not. But at least you’ll be able to move to the next step. At least you know you were honest with her and most importantly true to yourself and faced one of your biggest fears. The outcome will be what’s best for you. Whether you like the result or not, it’s for your best interest. Leave no unsaid words. This could be the end or the beginning. Who knows?”
His face lit up, his jawline relaxed and he lifted his head and looked me in the eye. For the first time in awhile I saw hope in his eyes again; real hope. Not because he had yet another reason to talk to her but he was about to set himself free of one of his biggest fears.
We’ve all been there one way or another: going out of our way to get to love. God knows I’ve acted like a crazy person at times! Me??? Can you believe it?! LOL! I’ve learned my lessons throughout and cherish them dearly as they’ve taught me not to let fear be my driving force to love. You’ll never get to your utmost desired destination in that mode.
Next time, instead of easily pointing out the other person’s faults (so easy doing that), do the hard work and look into you and just got for it and be honest. You will thank yourself later.
You may not be in such a situation now but if your fears of getting hurt again are stopping you to meet the next best thing or the “one”, what are they? What thoughts circulate in your mind that prevent you from speaking from the heart instead of referring to your head?
I would also love to learn about your most cherished experiences and learnings once you had set your fears free. What were the benefits and who are you today as a result?
Once you read the blogs and the newsletters please leave your comments and questions in the comment boxes under the blogs. I will be reading and responding to every single one of them personally. Remember, your questions and comments will help others as you never know who else is reading them and can benefit from your words. Thank you for being part of the progress.